another year

her birthday was coming up..
everyone is asking her about what she wants on her birthday
all she says is " I'll think about it or I don't know"
but all she wanted for her birthday is..
to be happy.
to be loved.
to be wanted.
to be appreciated.
to be good enough.

"is that too much to ask for?"she said.

the fact that her birthday is coming up made her sad.
it made her sad because another birthday means
another year of pain
another year of sadness
another year of emptiness
another year of depression
another year of disappointments

"why can't everything be good for once?"she said as she was watching her whole life falling apart helplessly.

Sudden deppression

a smile full of life to cover the sadness in her eyes.

a laugh full of joy to cover up the pain with in her.

it's like to every good thing there is something bad underneath.

and that bad thing only comes out when she's alone.

mostly when she's not around people.

"why cant things stay good for once?"

"everything was going just fine."she said.

how can someone so young be so sad and depressed?

she cant even remember the last time she was 'okay/fine.'

its just way too much for anyone to take.

she couldn't cope with it anymore.

with everything that has been going on she's not only sick emotionally and mentally but also physically.

it sickens her even more to see herself that way.

"i want my old self back."she said

by that she meant her old happy full of life self.

or most probably when she was a kid.

when everything was all perfect and good.

A new battle

she was surrounded by people only to find herself alone and lost deep in her thoughts.
no matter what she does to escape her thoughts nothing really works.
she tries to be around people and keep herself busy as much as she can.
but at the end of the day she ends up all alone with her thoughts.
they literally are destroying every and each part of her.

"you don't know how it feels to be your own best friend."she said.
she cried till her eyes went dry.
whats even worse is that she don't really know whats making her 'that sad'.
she doesn't even know whether she's sad or angry or somewhere in between.
by that time the silence was louder than ever.
she felt sick to her stomach.

its just like you're disconnecting from your world only to find yourself in a different world of yours.
its more like a dream.
even though she's trying to help people and be there for everyone as much as possible she cant even help herself.

sad isn't it?

we lose the people we love the most every day one by one.
you just get to a point where you get used to losing people.
"who's next?"she said.

she don't even want to know the answer to that cause it scares her to death.
its a constant battle for her to wake up and get off bed everyday to face the world.

"every day is like a new window with its own sun rises and sunsets."she said

eventually you'll learn from it all and most of the time it'll make you feel weak but at the end it'll only make you stronger than ever.