moments

We all have our moments
both the good and the bad ones

sometimes the bad ones will last a little bit too long
where you get so sad and depressed to the core
where you just give up hope
where you just give up on life
where you just give up on people
where you just give up on your self

you wait for death to take you
you no longer want to live in this world

everything seems so hard and painful
everyone seems to hurt you

then theres the good ones
where you just feel like flying and never bothering to come down
where even the simplest things can make you happy
where you just feel that nothing can get to you and make you feel sad again
where you just can actually feel and see happiness around and within you

you have to let go of the things that are holding you back from finding happiness
you just have to let go of all the negativity in you life and just simply move on
in the end it's your choice whether to stay miserable and negative all the time or be happy and positive

getting attached

whenever you meet someone everything is so basic and simple
then you grow closer and you get attached thats the worst part

"getting attached"

don't you hate it when you get attached to someone
then they work their way into your life
you wake up one day boom, they are gone.

you try to forget them in every possible way
by trying to forget them you're just bringing back the memories of you and them
the happy ones , funny , crazy and sad ones basically all kinds of memorises

you cause more pain to yourself
you hurt yourself even more as you already are

after a while you start missing them so much it hurts
you can even feel the empty space in your heart/chest

you want to let go of them and move on
instead you just hold onto them even tighter

the truth is you cant just forget about them
you just have to live with it
it might take days,weeks,months and maybe years
eventually you'll move on and someone better will walk into your life

Choices

life is just like a big, deep and blue ocean
we are the sailors with our ships
we have to make our own way to the land

to us everyday is like a new adventure
people who fall off the ship they have two choices
either to fight and swim or give up and die

it's all about the choices/decisions that you make
one choice/decision can turn your life upside down

just like how a sergeant's choice can effect the patient
sergeants have to make a choice that will effect their patient
it's either a hit or miss

if something went wrong in your life
it doesn't mean that your life is over
it doesn't mean that you have to give up without a fight

we might fall so hard sometimes
where it gets even harder to get up
you have to force yourself and get back up and move on

that fall will hurt you a lot
it may leave a scar in your life
it's just another lesson of life

teenage years

don't you question yourself sometimes about why things are the why they are now?

if it makes any sense

sometimes we don't understand or get our feelings,emotions , whats going on etc..

sometimes we don't even understand life or ourselves 

by we i mean us "teenagers"

we are happy one second and the other we are sad and depressed

we have a lot of people around us but yet we feel so alone

we want to be left alone but not feeling lonely

we are sad but we choose to fake a smile instead just to show people that we are "happy"

we don't want people to judge us but yet we still judge them in some kind of way.

being happy seems impossible for most of the teenagers

to us happiness doesn't exist anymore or at least that's what we think
believe it or not happiness still do exist 

we are teenagers we have a life ahead of us

we are suppose to experience things

we are suppose to see things

go through a lot of tough time/moments

go through a lot of pain

the pain is good at least we learn from it

we grow stronger, tougher and most importantly wiser 

but when we are old enough we will know better, understand more

thats why it's called our teenage years

our teenage years are supposed to be hard and tough

just to prepare us for our future

someday, one day we will all be happy

maybe thats not anytime soon

but in our future  

darkness

she always doubts her self on anything and everything she does and say.
she's in a place in life where everything is falling apart.

its all because of her past.
"Letting go of your past is harder than it seems.."she said.
whenever she tries to let go of the painful memories
her past always seems to pull her back into the darkness.

her whole life she has been lied to.
telling her the whole truth all at once made everything tougher.
specially after thinking that it was all real but it turned to be all lies..

"I don't think i will ever be the same girl ever again."she said.

she really don't get people who claim to be bad but deep inside they're so kind but yet so cold.
whats worse is when some people claim to be good and better than all of us are the most evil.
she's always giving people all of her best and thats what she gets.

"Dark and cold is what i'm gonna be from now and on."she said.

Death

Thinking about death makes her feel terrified.
"i would rather die than having to bear another death of a loved one."she said.
she thought of what she would leave behind after her death
and what people will say,think or do..

she wants to leave this world known as the happy , crazy ,wild girl who loves to joke around and just have a laugh.
the girl who stood by everyone when they needed someone to comfort them and tell the everything is going to be alright.
the girl who stayed strong when she had all the right to break down but still chose to stand still.
the girl who never gave up hope on anyone or anything without a fight.

she don't want to be remembered as the "sad and depressed" girl who had a horrible life.
unfortunately in our society no one really cares about how sad or depressed you are
they'll just think that you're seeking for attention
all they want is something or someone to talk about.
at the end it's all about what you leave for everyone and anyone..

she also thought of her friends and family and how will their life be without her.
"they'll be just fine.eventually,they'll just forget me i'll be a memory to them."she said.
on the other hand she really don't want to die alone.
but as they say "we come alone and die alone."

another year

her birthday was coming up..
everyone is asking her about what she wants on her birthday
all she says is " I'll think about it or I don't know"
but all she wanted for her birthday is..
to be happy.
to be loved.
to be wanted.
to be appreciated.
to be good enough.

"is that too much to ask for?"she said.

the fact that her birthday is coming up made her sad.
it made her sad because another birthday means
another year of pain
another year of sadness
another year of emptiness
another year of depression
another year of disappointments

"why can't everything be good for once?"she said as she was watching her whole life falling apart helplessly.

Sudden deppression

a smile full of life to cover the sadness in her eyes.

a laugh full of joy to cover up the pain with in her.

it's like to every good thing there is something bad underneath.

and that bad thing only comes out when she's alone.

mostly when she's not around people.

"why cant things stay good for once?"

"everything was going just fine."she said.

how can someone so young be so sad and depressed?

she cant even remember the last time she was 'okay/fine.'

its just way too much for anyone to take.

she couldn't cope with it anymore.

with everything that has been going on she's not only sick emotionally and mentally but also physically.

it sickens her even more to see herself that way.

"i want my old self back."she said

by that she meant her old happy full of life self.

or most probably when she was a kid.

when everything was all perfect and good.

A new battle

she was surrounded by people only to find herself alone and lost deep in her thoughts.
no matter what she does to escape her thoughts nothing really works.
she tries to be around people and keep herself busy as much as she can.
but at the end of the day she ends up all alone with her thoughts.
they literally are destroying every and each part of her.

"you don't know how it feels to be your own best friend."she said.
she cried till her eyes went dry.
whats even worse is that she don't really know whats making her 'that sad'.
she doesn't even know whether she's sad or angry or somewhere in between.
by that time the silence was louder than ever.
she felt sick to her stomach.

its just like you're disconnecting from your world only to find yourself in a different world of yours.
its more like a dream.
even though she's trying to help people and be there for everyone as much as possible she cant even help herself.

sad isn't it?

we lose the people we love the most every day one by one.
you just get to a point where you get used to losing people.
"who's next?"she said.

she don't even want to know the answer to that cause it scares her to death.
its a constant battle for her to wake up and get off bed everyday to face the world.

"every day is like a new window with its own sun rises and sunsets."she said

eventually you'll learn from it all and most of the time it'll make you feel weak but at the end it'll only make you stronger than ever.

Three little words

Something that I don't get is when people say 'i love you' like its just a simple and normal words.

They take those words for granted.To some people those three little words are hard to say because they're so powerful and meaningful and to some its just words.

Why don't they use 'i like you' instead of 'i love you' in the begging? 

"I love you"

These three words are so little yet they can be so painful.

These three words have caused pain, heartbreaks etc..

if you mean it say it.

if you're not sure wait.

if you don't mean it don't say it.

You'll save a lot of tears and a lot of sad nights.

You'll save a heart from breaking.

Never ending nightmare.

A mistake she is or at least she thought she was.Her friends from a side and her parents from another side.Being blamed for things she didn't do.The fact that theres no one who can really understand what she's going through and the worst part is that she can't really talk about it.

Whenever she thinks that things are getting better everything just crashes down. It goes from bad to good then back to worse.To her it was like drifting into the dark with no one to talk to and with no shoulder to lean on.All she could think about is how a disappointment she is to her friends and parents.

Her life just turned from a beautiful dream to a never ending nightmare.She was still having it all together.However the only thing she needed is someone to reassure her and tell her that everything is going to be better sooner or later.

what lies beneath

everything is a lie now a days.
we are living in a big lie.
our life is based on lies.

we lie to our parents
we lie to our friends
we lie to everyone

everybody lies.
you even lie to yourself.

lying became a habit.

truth will hurt you for a while
but lies are way worse.

one truth is better than a thousand lies.
this world is a lie too
but unfortunately nightmares are real.

sadly some people lie to your face like its a normal thing.
some just lie to themselves even though they know the truth.
and some just cant handle the truth.

promises are even lies too.
those words "i love you" means nothing no more.
oh and forever? doesn't exist.

a mouth full of lies
a smile full of fake-ness
and eyes full of sadness

its all lies

- i'm just tired
-i'm okay
-i'm fine
-i'm happy
-i'm not mad
-don't worry
-i believe you
-there's nothing
-i'm sorry
- i promise

people choose lies because they sound better.
saying the truth doesn't matter anymore.

never make promises
people are shitty with them.

faking happiness

she walked into the room full of people with a huge bright smile on her face.
helping everyone who needs help , laughing and joking around with random people.
thats just what she does.thats who she is.
but not everyone knows her story.

That huge and bright smile of hers is just another way to hide her pain.
laughing and joking around with other people is just another way of covering up the tears.and that girl probably cries herself to sleep every night but yet she acts all happy and positive infront of people.
she might seem strong but she breaks.

one day she walked into that room again but she was a completely different person.
as she sat alone in the corner of the room watching everyone around her all happy and positive but her made her even more sad.
she felt sorry for herself how she can never be good enough for anyone.
how she keeps disappointing everyone.
how she keeps losing people everyday.
even her closest friends started judging her and that what made it worse.
everyone knows how it feels to not have your closest friends by your side.
everyone knows how it feels when friends change all of the sudden
everyone knows how it hurts when friends leave just like that out of the blue with no reasons.

she said to herself "how come when they need me or anyone else needs me i'm always there for them. but when i need someone to give me hope ,to have my back or even stand by side no one is there."
everyone needs someone sometimes.
for a moment she felt worthless , left out and mostly unwanted.
she tries to cover up her pain with the broken smile of hers but how long can she do this?
everything she does turns into a mistake or a bigger problem its like a dead end she can never run away from reality.

"what if one day i was gone no one would ever notice i'll be just a memory. i cant take this no more. faking happiness is my worst sadness.whats the point of being alive while i feel dead from the inside." she said.

numb

Feeling numb ?

sometimes you get to a point where you feel nothing at all.
all you want to do is lock yourself in a dark room ,stay alone and sleep all day.
you get to a point where nothing matters anymore you just want to end it all and stop the pain but you dont know how.

you start pushing people away until you have no one at all but the none stopping thoughts in your head sometimes it gets really scary and dark in there.
In your mind i mean you try to shut the thoughts down but you can't control them anymore.
it's like you're lost and draning in your own thoughts.
you build walls around yourself but they end up trembling down on you.

you want someone to save you but you're too afraid to scream or cry for help so you take the easy way.
you keep everything bottled up because you can trust no one no more.
you just keep everything to yourself because deep down you know that no one really cares or will ever understand.

so long gone

we all have that one person that we cant handle losing.

even the thought of losing them hurts more than being stabbed by a knife million times.

whenever you think of losing that one person you just go crazy. 

you just forget everything and think of how would life be without them.

it's just unimaginable for that one person to be gone forever.

life would probably lose all its meaning.

you will be just like a body without a soul and just like a ship without a rider or a guider.

once they are gone you can never get them back.

knowing that you can never get them back is what hurts the most.

life is not a fairytale not even true loves's kiss can wake them up.

all you've got now is to feel the unbearable ache in your heart and the memories they left behind.

waking up knowing that this person is no longer with us will probably be the hardest.

whenever you see their number on your phone you'll cry.

whenever you hear their name you'll cry.

whenever a memorie of them hits you you'll cry.

whenever you remember the things you used to do together you'll cry.

everything you do or say will just remind you of them.

no matter how hard you try to forget them their smile , laugh ,eyes and the way they used to talk etc.. will always haunt you down.

then this question will pop on your mind "what if i was that person? will they miss me ? will they remember me?"

too many questions going back and forth now in your head.

one day we are here and there and the other we are gone just that simple.

BLANK

When we were kids nothing really mattered we were all just so happy but as i grew up everything changed. Problems got bigger its not that life we thought it would be when we were kids the fairytale life where everything is so magical and colorful.

I’m sick of telling people I’m fine pretending that I’m all happy and my life is just so perfect. Well the truth is I don’t have everything all together , I’m not fine ,I’m sick , tired ,broken ,devastated and mostly depressed. I know I’m too young to be this sad but I’ve tasted pain. People say it’s gonna be okay but what if t isn’t ?

All the emptiness I feel inside is killing me. I’m never good enough for anyone. People I know became people I knew.my friends turning into strangers.my so called friends leaving me behind I just feel so left out and worthless. Everything I do or say comes out wrong. I can do nothing but watch the people I love walking away helplessly.

I cant help it but isolate myself from people. It’s like I’m in this little shell of mine. Pushing people away because I’m too scared that they would get hurt from the things I do or say.

This is the part where depression takes over. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I never thought that one day I will be this sad and depressed. I cant fight it anymore I’m not that girl I used to be before.

I’m sick of hearing the same words every single day “stay strong” how come they want me to stay strong and they have no  Idea of what I am going through it’s just hard, or “you changed” well have you seen how you treat me ? have you seen what I’ve been through lately? No.

Sometimes I just sit alone and keep thinking why am so negative I really need to change the way I think and how will I continue this way. I need to enjoy life I’m so young there’s a lot ahead of me. life is all about this one big fight but at the end you decide who will win you or depression. I really don’t want to feel lonely anymore nor die alone.

i'm just so thankful for the people who stood right by my side when they had all reasons to leave.

As an advise never depend on people cause all they do is let you down and take you for granted eventually everyone will leave at the end and all you have is yourself.

That one person..

Its crazy how one person can change your whole life. They become a big part of your life you cant live a day without them. You start doing like literally everything with them.

Then you get too attached to them. You care about them more than you care about yourself and you know them too well and you’re just afraid of losing them. 
The idea of losing them hurts you so much you start feeling that really painful ache in your heart.

 But did it ever hit you what will happen to your life or you and how will it effect you once they are gone because they have found someone better than you.
 When that day will comes you’ll start feeling guilty somehow and you will start asking yourself so many questions. 

What did I do wrong ?
 am I the problem ?
 am I not good enough ?

Now all you are left with is those unanswered questions.